The Cigarette Dialogues

Act 9 Scene 2 - Waiting

2006-07-20T21:46:00.000-07:00

(The Smoker pacing determinately, rapidly puffs on a smoke.)
C: Waiting for something?
TS: Yeah.
C: Well?
TS: Well what?
C: What are you waiting for?
TS: God.
C: God?! What do you mean your waiting for God!
TS: I’m just messing with your head. I’m waiting for a friend to show up.
C: Oh...you kind of scared me there for a second. Who’s coming by?
TS: No one important.
C: Then why are you awaiting them so anxiously?
TS: I’m not, or well I wasn’t, but now I’m just frustrated.
C: I don’t get it.
TS: Ok, so this is what happened. They told me they were going to be here in five minutes. So I didn’t start doing anything and just sat to await their arrival. After ten minutes I started to pace, and now I’m pacing angrily, since it’s now been twenty minutes.
C: Why don’t you just do something else til they get here.
TS: I don’t have time, they’re already 15 minutes late, they could arrive any second, then I’d just have to stop what I was doing.
C: Why not call them and see when they’re arriving.
TS: because it’s useless. I know exactly what they’ll say. “Be there in five minutes.”
C: you’re hopeless.
TS: I know.

(The Smoker tosses Cigarette as far as he can and continues to pace.)

Act 9 Scene 1 - The Return

2006-07-20T03:26:00.000-07:00

(The Smoker pulls out a very old, stale pack of smokes. Stares blankly at them, sighs and then lights one.)

TS: So I’m back.
C: ...
TS: Aren’t you going to say anything?
C:...
TS: Fine be that way. (The Smoker tosses Cigarette into the ashtray still lit.) I don’t need you anyway.
C: Wait!
TS: What? (The Smoker casually picks cigarette back up and takes a quick puff.)
C: Maybe I need you.
TS: Why? There’s plenty of other people who smoke.
C: Yeah, but no one else talks to me. Where the hell have you been?
TS: I quit.
C: Smoking? Or Blogging?
TS: Both I guess. But I’m back, bigger and badder then ever.
C: Yeah, well not having an appetite suppressant for a year will do that to you. You could use to lose a few pounds.
TS: Fuck you Cigarette!
(The Smoker violently grinds Cigarette into the ashtray, simultaneously, he lights another.)
C:...
TS: Ah...(The Smoker takes a long satisfying drag in the silence.)
C: So why did you quit?
TS: Oh, your still here.
C: Yup. You going to answer the question?
TS: I don’t really want to talk about it.
C: Is there something else you want to talk about?
TS: Not really.
C: So you gonna tell me then?
TS: Maybe next time, your times up.
C: Hey wai....

(The Smoker stamps cigarette into the ashtray, pleased to be back.)

Act 8 Scene 1 - Tragedy

2005-09-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

(early morning, a chill still lingers as the sun beats at the Earth with furious abandon)

TS: It's all about fucking perspective.
C: Huh? Whuzzat?!? You talking to me? What's "all about" perspective?
TS: The news media, man. The fucking news media. They make a living off of making everything more dramatic than it really is, so they can pull in some of the Survivor/Reality T.V. audience. They thrive off of presenting raw human emotion without rational perspective.
C: You're thinking particularly about the hurricane coverage?
TS: Totally. I mean, if I was to judge by the media coverage, I would assume that 90% of New Orleans is still underwater after 9 days. I mean, c'mon, practically all the footage they show is of the neighborhoods that got hit the worst.
C: So you think it's not as bad as they're portraying?
TS: That's the whole fucking point, don't you see? I don't know! All I know is that they're skewing the perspective to get themselves better ratings. I don't know how little or how much. The point is that these fucking sharks should be held accountable for the misinformation they're spreading.
C: Is this one of your "policing the police" rants?
TS: You know it, man. There's gotta be some independent organization, that doesn't profit from lying to the public, set-up to watch these media behemoths.
C: The media would tear your hypothetical organization a new one, before it was even formed, dude. And your "Perspective" organization wouldn't be able to defend itself, cuz it would have no established cred with the public.
TS: Well, something has to be done...

(The Smoker dips Cigarette into the watery ashtray, hearing a satisfying hiss as Cigarette drowns)

The End

2005-07-14T21:56:00.000-07:00

Act 42 Scene 42 - The End

(The Smoker leans back in his chair, unwillingly soaking in the warmth of the evening)

TS: Life tires me...
C: WTF is that supposed to mean?!?
TS: I dunno.(long pause) I feel like the essence of apathy, right now. And by "right now" I mean for the last month and half.
C: So what're you gonna do about it?
TS: (laughing boredly) I dunno. Nothing.
C: Well, at least tell your blog fans. And your clients, too.
TS: Whatever. They'll figure it out by themselves.
C: You're being totally irresponsible, dude.
TS: Whatever.(another long pause) On the intellectual level I feel like I should wish that I cared. Kinda.

(The Smoker dips Cigarette into the pool with a guilt-inducing hiss)

INTERMISSION

2005-06-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

Cigarette: So, uh, The Smoker is trying to quit, right now, and will resume blogging once he fails. I invite you all at this time to check out the archives. There were some pretty good Dialogues in the beginning of this blog, although the graphics were definitely lacking. Anyhoo...uh....yeah...please deposit your trash in the designated receptacles, feel free to visit our concession stand, and have a lovely rest-of-the-day.

Injustice

2005-06-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

Act 7 Scene 4 - Injustice

(a warm, sunny late afternoon, with a cool breeze blowing, The Smoker enters)

TS: Wow. What a fucking movie. I mean...wow.
C: What did you watch?
TS: Hotel Rwanda. It's got that guy that played the explosives expert in Ocean's 11/12. Y'know, the black, British guy with the big eyes.
C: Okay. How was it?
TS: Totally intense. Totally fucking intense. It really made me think about why certain cruelties are so much worse than others.
C: Oh? How's that?
TS: Well, it just showed how much greater of an evil it is when the defenseless are persecuted, y'know?
C: So, do you think there is some kind of relationship between the degree of defenselessness of the victim and the atrocity of the crime.
TS: Oh, totally. I mean, this movie really showed, to me at least, how despicably evil killing of the defenseless is. Versus, say, killing an enemy soldier in combat. Or even murdering a man who has some means of defense, like a gun. Or something.
C: Shit, man! All murder is evil!
TS: That's not the point, dude. All rape is evil, too. That doesn't mean that raping someone is anywhere near the same as murdering someone. There are serious degrees of evil, is my point. And the more helpless someone is, the more evil the injustice.
C: Yeah, well, murder is murder. Same end result, dude. Someone is killed who didn't deserve it.
TS: You can be so fucking dumb, sometimes. I think that a 4-year-old girl getting her throat slit is a helluva lot fucking worse, than a grown man being killed while defending himself with an assault rifle. Both are murder, but at least the man had a chance to defend himself.
C: Fine, fine, fine... So I guess there is some correlation between the defenslessness of the victim, and the atrocity of the crime.
TS: Damn straight there is...

(The Smoker looks down to see that Cigarette has burned down to the filter, then tosses Cigarette into the ashtray, and exits)

Socialite

2005-05-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

Act 7 Scene 3 - Socialite

(The Smoker enters, from a night at the pool hall, his first social outing in a month)

TS: Yeah, If I had to classify myself, I would say I'm a bit of a social chameleon.
C: A social chameleon, eh? ...WTF does that mean?
TS: Y'know, in social situations I take in my surroundings, and then blend myself to best fit in.
C: So you're, like, a people-watcher.
TS: Sort of. But not as reclusive.
C: I never liked people-watchers.
TS: Oh? Why not?
C: Well, it seems like they're the pretentious-college-hippie of the social crowd, y'know? Always putting people into simple categories so that they could pretend like they know what's going on, thus relieving their innate fear of the unknown. Except they never end up doing anything but make snide remarks, and avoid really getting to know the people they're watching. Even when they're given the opportunity to get to know the person better.
TS: Well, maybe. But everyone is afraid of the unknown.
C: Yeah, but these people don't even want to know. They just want to pretend like they know.
TS: Yeah. I don't think I'm that kind of people-watcher. I study people for the sake of being able to understand them better, in case I'm given that opportunity.
C: Good thing, then. Cuz you just narrowly dodged being labeled a hippie.
TS: (laughing) Whew! That was a close one!

(The Smoker chuckles as he drops Cigarette out in the ashtray, and heads inside)

News

2005-05-30T00:59:00.000-07:00

Act 7 Scene 2 - News

(it's a warm summer's night, The Smoker enters with a disturbed expression on his face)

TS: I've been reading and watching The News a lot, lately. There's some serious shit going on in the world.
C: There's always been, and always will be serious shit going on the world. It's a big world.
TS: Yeah, but watching and reading about all of this just makes me feel so depressed, and helpless.
C: Shit, man, I know what your problem is. Your problem is that you can't stay focused on the evil that's going on in your own sphere, but instead you gotta look at the whole world as your personal problem.
TS: Well, I can't just sit on my ass and do nothing. That's the philosophy that's stopping shit from getting better.
C: Aww, fuck that. Shit is getting better. Disease, poverty, oppression. All these things are less proportionally than they were 100 years ago. Or even 20 years ago. There's just a lot more people on Earth. 5% of the population is a helluva lot more people now than it was 100 years ago.
TS: What?! So I shouldn't give a shit, cuz things are getting better?
C: Dude, that's not what I'm saying at all. Just don't get brainwashed by The Media's focus on the bad shit. And besides, you ain't gonna do anything if you wait until you can solve all the world's problems. Life's about doing the most with what you have.
TS: Alright. Sounds fair enough. I guess I should disconnect my 24-hr News IV.
C: Damn straight. That shit's crippling you more than it's informing you. It's not that it's not all true. It's just that those truths aren't gonna help you to be a better person.
TS: Yeah...(meditating on this)...Fuck CNN.

(dropping Cigarette respectfully into the ashtray, The Smoker exits with a renewed sense of purpose)

Frugality

2005-05-29T16:40:00.000-07:00

Act 7 Scene 1 - Frugality

(The Smoker comes stomping out of the house, cursing)

TS: stupid-goddamn-cheap-ass-piece-of-shit-ass-crap-fuck-damn...
C: ...
TS: Stupid-ass US Robotics, making cheap, pieces of crap...
C: ...
TS: (looks down at Cigarette) Feel free to chip-in when you want.
C: Oh? You mean I'm allowed to talk now? How kind of you!
TS: Whatever. Quit whining. My BRAND-NEW wireless router just broke, and now I can't work. Again.
C: ...
TS: You could say, "I told you, so", now, if you want. You were right. It doesn't pay to go with the cheapest piece of hardware I could find. OK? You. Were. Right.
C: ...
TS: Ooohhh. So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Giving me the silent treatment, eh? Well fuck you, too.
C: ...
(long pause, The Smoker takes a long deep pull off of Cigarette)
C: ...
TS: Alright, man. This is starting to piss me off. I could use a little sympathy, or something, here. I just wasted 8 hours of my time trying to get my internet access back up. I'm feeling a little bummed out right now.
C: I'm sure your blog friends will cheer you up, dude. You don't need little 'ol me anymore, right?
TS: Fuck, you, Cigarette. Fuck you.

(Cigarette smiles inwardly as The Smoker snubs him out with disgust)

Loved

2005-05-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

Act 6 Scene 2 - Loved

(a bright, bright, sunshiny day. The Smoker is hopping from one foot to the next with glee)

TS: (gigglingly) I have internet, again. And it's wireless. All thanks to [this guy] and [this guy].
C: Cool. So you gonna go hardcore into work, again?
TS: Yeah, after I blog some tonight. I've been totally shocked at how much people have been commenting on my blog.
C: Oh yeah? Why do you think that is.
TS: Obviously cuz I'm a badass, and people love me. In fact people love me so much, I don't even think there needs to be a second side of our conversations. From now on it'll be just me. Hell, I might even change the name of the blog to "The Smoker's Monologues". My peeps would dig it.
C: Dude, that's-
TS: Yeah, so now that I don't need you anymore, I'm not even gonna let you talk.
C: That's pretty fu-
TS: HEY! What'd I just say about you talking! People love me. Not you. You're gonna be gone in 30 seconds anyways. How can people relate to that?
C: Well, maybe becau-
TS: They can't! But me...me they can relate to. So you just might as well just crawl in your ashtray and die.
C: Fuck you, Smoker...Fu-
TS: (stabbing the ornery Cigarette out in the ashtray) I don't think so. Bitch.

(The Smoker grins to himself, and goes inside to enjoy the wonders of wireless internet)

Appearances

2005-05-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

Act 6 Scene 1 - Appearances

(on the back lawn, the air is warm, with a cool, gentle breeze, as The Smoker paces)

C: What's bothering you?
TS: The realization that I have been terribly misjudging certain people for a very long time.

(a long pause)

C: You want to talk about it?
TS: (sighing) I just finished watching this special on CNN. It was a documentary about autism. It's nominated for an Oscar. (pauses) It was written by a severely autistic woman, named Sue Rubin.(pauses again) I didn't realize until about halfway through that I had actually met this girl, before.
C: What? Do you mean, like, figuratively? Like you met an autistic woman like her?
TS: No. I actually met her along with her whole class of "mentally-disabled" classmates, when I was doing my Senior Project in high school. I was doing it on the mentally-handicapped, with a focus on Down's Syndrome. I watched their activities and social interactions over the course of a week, but never bothered to ask if there was any difference between those with Down's Syndrome, and the other disabled. I assumed they were all pretty much the same.
C: So, uh, how did you misjudge her?
TS: I assumed she, as well as all of her classmates were incapable of anything approaching an adult level of rational thought.
C: So you thought she was mentally-handicapped? What's wrong with that?
TS: She's not! She is so totally not! She has an I.Q. of 130, had a better high school G.P.A. than me, has better writing skills, and a better vocabulary! She's physically disabled. And to such a degree that it seriously hampers her ability to communicate by conventional means. But she is by no means mentally-disabled!
C: Wow. That's pretty heavy. (pauses) Are all autistic people like that? Y'know, normal, healthy minds trapped inside a dysfunctional body?
TS: I don't know. But I'm gonna find out. And from now I'm never going to assume anything but the best about anyone who appears mentally-disabled.

(The Smoker tries to take a drag off of Cigarette, only to find he's reached the filter. He tosses the smoking filter into the ashtray, and exits.)

Whole

2005-05-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

Act 5 Scene 6 - Whole

(Outside a small movie theater, The Smoker enters from within, and lights up Cigarette)

C: So how was it?
TS: (grinning like an idiot) Satisfying. Very satisfying.
C: What about the acting, the plot, the special effects? How was it?
TS: Well, I guess I could pick it apart, if I wanted to. But I don't. It has brought closure to a very strange relationship. I've gone from a deep love of the world, to a forced enthusiasm, to outright disillusionment, and everything in-between. It's been a helluva rollercoaster ride. But I'm not glad it's over. Just satisfied that it ended the way it did.
C: But isn't Lucas planning on doing a TV series, or something like that to fill in the time between III and IV?
TS: Honestly? I don't care. And it doesn't matter. This story has ended. And despite my frustration with the last two, and my immediate enjoyment of this one, I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness that the story is now complete, and there will never be another like it.
C: Would you say it was good, great, bad, terrible, or what? C'mon give me some idea!
TS: Heh. Y'know? The quality of the movie doesn't even matter. Everyone who ever cared about Star Wars has to see it. All I can say is that it is a most fitting conclusion for what has become the most influential movie series in the history of cinema.
C: Wow. Could you be anymore vague?
TS: Honestly, you can only understand it after seeing it. (pauses, reflectively, finding the words) It's the final act of a Greek tragedy. It's Houdini's last stunt. It's the Fat Lady singing. It's the Missing Link. It's...yeah...
(Younger Cousins #1 and #2 enter)
YC #1: Who're you talking to?
TS: Nothing. No one.(smiles wanly) Let's go home.

(The Smoker tosses the Cigarette into the sand-filled ashtray, and turns toward home)

Anticipation

2005-05-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

Act 5 Scene 5 - Anticipation

(a cool morning, with the sun shining bright. The Smoker is reading the Calendar section of the Los Angeles Times)

TS: Revenge of the Sith broke single-day and opening day records with $50 million, yesterday.
C: What did you think of it?
TS: Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, y'see, I haven't actually seen it, just yet.
C: What?!?! Didn't you wait in line like 36 hours for Episode I, and than 8 hours for the even worse Episode II?!?
TS: Something like that. But that was back when I didn't have much of a life, and my friends were die-hard fanatics. Now I have a life, and no friends.
C: So, when, exactly were you planning on seeing it?
TS: I dunno. I'm still debating it. I'm trying not to let the hype get to me, though. Even though all the critics are saying it's way better than Episode I & II. I just want to be able to watch it like a normal movie, without the high expectations.
C: Yeah, man. I understand that. But if the movie really is as good as they all say, the hype and anticipation is just gonna grow. Plus you're gonna end up reading spoilers. You know you are.
TS: Huh. Never thought of it that way. I guess I might as well go see it today.
C: It seems to be your only chance to get any enjoyment out of the movie. Who are you gonna go with?
TS: I'll probably take my little cousins. They're dying to see it.
C: Cool. What about me? I'm sorta "dying to see it", too.
TS: No, dude. You're just dying.

(Cigarette dies out, unfulfilled in his movie watching experiences. The Smoker reflects on Cigarette's passing)

Witch

2005-05-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

Act 5 Scene 4 - Witch

(Sunset. The Smoker enters, from watching a classic family film)

TS: I hate characters in movies that have no purpose but to add glitz and glammer.
C: I have a feeling you have one character in particular on your mind?
TS: Yeah. That dumb bitch Glinda, from the Wizard of Oz.
C: You mean the Good Witch of the North? Were you watching the synchronized version? Or do you not buy into that?
TS: I dunno. I've watched the synchronized version twice. And there are definitely coincidences, but with how many songs and movies there are out there, there's bound to be at least one coincidental synchronization. I honestly think that Pink Floyd just got lucky with Dark Side of the Moon. But, anyways, back to my Glinda-rant.
C: Alright. I'll bite. Why is she useless? She gives Dorothy the advice to stay on the Yellow Brick Road, and she tells him about The Wizard. What's useless about that?
TS: Dude, everyone in Oz knows about The Wizard, and I think any of the Munchkins, having lived there their whole lives, could've told her about staying on the Yellow Brick Road. Glinda's only purpose was to look pretty, AND destroy the idea that all witches are evil.
C: So? Isn't destroying stereotypes a good thing? Helping people to judge on an individual basis?
TS: Fuck that. It wasn't a stereotype, it was the goddamn definition of a witch. They worship Satan, by the Judeo-Christian-Muslim understanding of the term.
C: Whoa, man! There's a lot of Wiccans and other Druidic folks out there that don't claim to worship, or even believe in, Satan, but still lay claim to the title of "witch". Saying that is just gonna piss'em off.
TS: Fuck'em! They have about as much power as that worthless harlot Glinda. All those idiots are the same; they suffer from a combination of a serious case of arrested-development, and too much Dungeons & Dragons. And they're all hippies, too.

(Cigarette burns out quietly. The Smoker sacrifices a young goat to Pan, eats the heart, and exits)

Health

2005-05-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

Act 5 Scene 3 - Health

(a bright, bright, sunshiny day. The Smoker is relaxing in the shade after putting in some drip-sprinklers in the garden)

TS: Wow! I need to get in shape. Those sprinklers kicked my ass.
C: Yeah. You are sweating quite a bit. It's probably mostly cuz of the heat, though.
TS: Huh. Yeah...but I'm still in pretty bad shape. I need to quit smoking. Or something.
C: Whoa, now! Don't be so hasty! Quitting smoking is just gonna cause you to eat more. Especially snacks. That's definitely not gonna be good for your "shape". Why don't you focus on your eating habits and getting more exercise, first?
TS: What like eating less? Or carb counting? I'm not all that big on the whole Atkins thing. Seems pretty unnatural.
C: Hey, man, there's a lot better ways of changing your eating habits without going on Atkins. Like avoiding all the stuff that's processed, salted, sugared and greased just for taste.
TS: Shit, dude! That doesn't leave much besides sandwiches, steak, and sushi in my diet. (pauses) Which isn't all that bad I guess.
C: You could also try getting more fresh vegetables and fruits, instead of ones that have had all the nutrients boiled out of them. More roughage, too.
TS: Cool, cool! I'm digging it! Although getting nutritional advice from a smoking cylinder of dead leaves and hot ash is more than a little weird. What else do you think would be good?
C: Well, considering you work sitting on your ass in front of the computer all day, why don't you tire yourself out with a good swim each day? No pointing in having a pool and not using it every day.
TS: Hell, yeah! That sounds good. Real good. In fact, I'm going to go for a swim, right now.
C: ...Wait...what about me, you're barely half finished with me!
TS: Bum deal, dawg. I'm a health nut, now.

(snubbing the last third of Cigarette out on the ground, The Smoker kicks off his sandals and heads inside to change)

Rebellion

2005-05-18T21:26:00.000-07:00

Act 5 Scene 2 - Rebellion

(nighttime, the patio light flickers on as The Smoker sits, and stretches his legs out comfortably, resting them on an empty chair)

TS: That Darthside blog got me thinking...
C: About what?
TS: The Rebel Alliance, anti-establishment, and punk rock in th U.S.
C: (laughs) What? You think there's some kind of connection?
TS: Actually, yeah. Cuz, you see, Star Wars was released in 1977, right as punk rock was in its infacy. The Ramones had just released their first album, and the Sex Pistols and The Clash were yet to arrive on the scene, in America, at least. The main problem for these pioneers was that they didn't have an American audience yet. Kids were still happy with going along with the majority, despite the tired guitar solos that characterized the end of 70's rock'n'roll.
C: (wryly) And Star Wars changed all that?
TS: Totally, man! I mean, c'mon! Lucas totally glorified the "tiny remnant versus the hulking authority" ideal for the youth. The kids were screaming for the Rebels! They realized how cool rebellion could be, by seeing how cool The Rebellion was. Rebellion wasn't just a history lesson for how we won our independence as a country, anymore, it was a calling to take down The Establishment. This is the exact same mindset that fueled the punk rock movement.
C: Uh, right...or maybe the popularity of Star Wars, and The Rebellion, as well as the punk rock scene was just the kids of all the hippies struggling to find some way to identify themselves as a generation the way their parents had. Y'know, some deep yearning within their soul to belong to something unique and emotionally-charged.
TS: Silly Cigarette, hippies don't have souls, so how could their kids have souls?
C: Your such an idiot sometimes.
TS: Don't be jealous cuz I'm right.

(The Smoker smiles as he happily grinds the exasperated remains of Cigarette into the ashtray)

Lost

2005-05-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

Act 5 Scene 1 - Lost

(a hot and smoggy day, The Smoker sits with a spiral-bound notebook in hand)

C: What's that?
TS: It's this list of all the conversations I've had with Cigarette, that are worth blogging about.
C: Is this one gonna go on the list?
TS: Naw. I think I'm just gonna go in and write this one right after this. It's more gonna explain my long absence in posting.
C: I don't get it. You have all these conversations written down and you're just too lazy to transcribe them to your computer?
TS: That's not quite it. I only have summaries written down, here. And because I've been trying to do them chronologically, I have to sit down and remember all the conversation, even though it's been, like, more than 3 weeks since the earliest ones took place.
C: Why don't you just toss that list, and start a new one?
TS: Cuz there's like, a bunch of really good ones, plus it would mean I wasted time writing the summaries, and I hate wasting time.
C: That's totally absurd! How much time have you wasted sitting in front of your computer as you tried to remember these conversations?!!? Beginning to write the dialogue, then forgetting a part and starting over, then getting pissed-off, and giving up because you couldn't even remember what made that particular conversation worth writing about in the first place...shit, man. Talk about a waste of time...
TS: (smoldering)...
TS: ...Fuck you, Cigarette. Fuck you.

(The Smoker crumples up the list of conversations, among these "Lost Dialogues", one titled "Peaking", one "Sacred", and one called "PageRank". The Smoker drops Cigarette in the ashtray, the list into the trash, and exits)

Stress

2005-05-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

Act 4 Scene 2 - Stress

(enter The Smoker pacing hurriedly around the pool)

C: Why the hell are you walking around the pool so fast?
TS: I just started another major project today. Which means I have, like, way too much shit to do. And I hate feeling like I'm wasting time, so I decided to walk fast.
C: (laughs) And this helps, how?!?!
TS: You know...at least I'm getting some exercise while I smoke...
C: (laughs even louder) Exercise?!? While you smoke?!?
TS: Yeah, yeah...laugh all you want. This helps me deal with the stress of an oppressive workload.
C: Uh, here's something else that might help with stress...Relaxing. You should try it.
TS: Shit, man. I don't got time to relax, I'm already past my deadline on one of my major projects.
C: So why don't you cut out all the blog surfing, and blogging you do. That might help.
TS: Oh, yeah, that'll go over perfect, right after that last discussion about me commenting on other people's blogs all the time.
C: Uh, it seems like you got your priorities a little mixed up, man.
TS: ...
TS: Fuck it. You're probably right, damn it.
C: (chuckling)Hehe. I'm always right.
TS: ...whatever.

(snubbing the smug butt of Cigarette into the ashtray, The Smoker quickly exits)

Comments

2005-05-01T23:30:00.000-07:00

Act 4 Scene 1 - Comments

(towels and empty beer bottles lie apathetically around the back patio, The Smoker is seated in a wireframe chair.)

TS: I visit a lot of blogs, y'know.
C: Oh?
TS: Yeah. And I usually ending up commenting on all the interesting ones.
C: Uh, okay. And...?
TS: Well, I usually just speak my mind, for better or worse. When people get pissed off about something negative I said, they come to my blog and post some angry comment, in return. After chuckling over their silliness, and their absurd belief in the quality of their own blog, I usually delete these comments.
C: Didn't you ever hear the phrase, "If you don't have something nice to say..."?
TS: Oh definitely. But I think that's bullshit. People make mistakes, and say stupid things. If all you have is a bunch of sycophants praising your every post, you'll end up with what I call The Binks Syndrome.
C: The Binks Syndrome?!? WTF is that?
TS: It's what happened to Lucas between Return of the Jedi, and Episode I. All he had was a bunch of fools around him telling him his every idea was the most fabulous, brilliant idea ever, and without any criticism, he ended up creating the Most Hated Character of All-Time, Jar-Jar Binks. And both the movies, compared to what Lucas is capable of, were total trash.
C: So you're giving these people constructive criticism, to help them improve their blogs?
TS: Hell, no! I don't believe there is such a thing as "constructive" criticism. There is only true and false criticism. It's up to the recipient of the criticism to decide whether or not they're gonna use that to build off of.
C: Uh. Okay.
TS: Yeah, so I've decided to just leave all the angry return-comments on my blog. So that way my readers, if they want, can go to the person's blog who I criticized, and see for themselves in what way it sucks. That and I think it's slightly dishonest to remove the comments, cuz then all my visitors get some skewed concept of how my blog is being received by everybody.
C: (wryly)Oh, yeah. Because you're a paragon of honesty.
TS: ...Fuck off, Cigarette.

(rubbing Cigarette out on the ground, The Smoker rolls his eyes, and heads back inside)

Mean(s)

2005-04-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

Act 3 Scene 4 - Mean(s)

(on the back lawn, The Smoker has just gotten off the phone)

TS: This sickness has been really kicking my ass.
C: Yeah, I know. And I'm not helping it any.
TS: No. No, you're not.(pauses) I was thinking of throwing a BBQ/pool party this weekend.
C: You think you're gonna be healthy by then?
TS: Yeah, I've been feeling a lot better in the last 24 hours.
C: So what's the big deal, then?
TS: Well, I don't want to spend all this time on the phone, calling all these people.
C: "These people"?!? Aren't they your friends?
TS: Yeah. But it's annoying calling number after number, leaving the same mechanical-sounding message. And besides, I don't have everybody's number. I need something more far-reaching.
C: (staring at The Smoker) You son-of-a-bitch! Has that been what this entire conversation has been about?!? Just so you can let your friends that read your blog know about your goddamn party!?!
TS: Well, uh, umm...sorta.
C: Fuck you, man. Fuck. You. That's low.(long pause) Well, are you gonna to say it, or not?
TS:(rushedly) Party at my place. Friday and Saturday afternoon/evening. Caribou and boar steaks/burgers provided. Jacuzzi. Pool. Bocce Ball. Billiards. Darts. BYOB. RSVP what day you'll be coming by email.
C: You're a bastard. You know that, don't you?
TS: The ends justify the means. Sorry.

(Cigarette burns out with the righteous indignation of a thousand righteously-indignant persons. The Smoker discards Cigarette into the ashtray)

Fashion

2005-04-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

Act 3 Scene 3 - Fashion

(on the front porch, mid-afternoon, enter The Smoker wearing a troubled expression)

TS: So, y'see, I had this idea a couple months ago, about inventing an alarm clock that measured your sleep cycles, and woke you up when you were most rested.
C: Uh, huh.
TS: Yeah, but then I just found out today that there's this company that just released this exact same device. You wear it, like a watch. It's called the Sleeptracker.
C: (distractedly) So, they, uh, stole your idea, or something.
TS: (heatedly) No! I told you, I only thought of it a couple months ago. They had already...hey! Have you been listening to a single damn thing I've been saying?!
C: Honestly? No. (gestures towards the street) How old do you think those girls are?
TS: (looks up to see a group of middle-school girls walking home) Uh, I dunno. Probably 12 to 13.
C: Exactly. Why the fuck are they wearing a wardrobe suited for a strip club!!
TS: Uh, because it's the style, I guess.
C: Yeah, those are some pretty fucked-up fashion ideas MTV, VH1, and those teen magazines shove in their heads, if they feel they have to be "flaunt" their sexuality at that age!
TS: I know what you're saying. (reflectively) It's like they've totally forgotten what it means to be a kid, and to enjoy their childhood. Sort of like that South Park episode with Paris Hilton, y'know, the one where--
C: Dammit, dude!! Not everything in life comes back to a South Park episode!!
TS:(sulking, he mutters under his breath) Most things do. This does.
C: What?! What was that? Whatever...I'm outta here...

(Cigarette flickers out, and The Smoker drops him in the ashtray, still muttering about the Wisdom of South Park, and exits)

Mooned

2005-04-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

Act 3 Scene 2 - Mooned

(Lighting up, The Smoker glances skyward to notice something unusual)

TS: Wow! That's a really bright moon. Look out how lit up the sky is! And the moon itself is even partially behind clouds.
C: Huh. That is pretty bright.
TS: Yeah, I wonder why. (pauses) Maybe it's cuz the moon's light is actually being deflected by the clouds. To make the whole sky, brighter, y'know?
C: Uh. Yeah, well, I've never heard about anything like that. And besides you've seen the moon partially hidden by clouds tons of times before, and it's never been bright like that.
TS: Well there's gotta be some reason.
C: Maybe it's just the city lights being extra bright, or something.
(The Smoker looks at the sky over the area of The Big City)
TS: No, it's not that. The sky over there is darker, and yellow-tinged. Not blue like this sky. It's gotta be something else.
C: Yeah, well, don't stress about it too much. Even though there may be a reason for everything, it doesn't mean that we're gonna necessarily be able to understand that reason.
TS: (sighs) Yeah, but Man, by his nature still desires to know.
C: That's why I'm pretty content with just being a Cigarette, sometimes.
TS: Oh yeah, well be content with this.
(The Smoker bitterly grinds him out in the ashtray)
TS: Biatch.

(The Smoker glances up one last time at the twilight-like sky, and exits)

Strangelove

2005-04-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

Act 3 Scene 1 - Strangelove

(The Smoker has just finished watching Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb)

TS: I wonder if Kubrick knew what kind of an impact Dr. Strangelove was going to have on our view of the Cold War.
C: Whaddya mean?
TS: Y'know, showing the absurdity of creating a Doomsday device. But especially the danger of giving so much power into the hands of an individual without the ability to check that power.
C: What? You think they did that then, but don't, now?
TS: Well, just judging based-off of the potential realism of the fundamental plotline of the movie when it was made, versus now. Now we would just laugh at the possibility of a similar series of events.
C: Like they didn't laugh then?
TS: Oh, no! I'm sure they laughed then, too. But at the same time, there was that underlying uneasiness felt by the audience. I mean, it was considered a dark comedy. If it was released now, I mean, with a similar but more current storyline, people would just think it was funny, because the ideas that caused fear then, don't even seem possible today.
C: So you mean people today don't walk away from the movie thinking there might actually be some nut-job out there who is able to destroy the world on a whim?
TS: Yeah, exactly. All comedy. No darkness.
C: What of it?
TS: I wonder how responsible the movie itself was for this shift in our view of controlling and safe-gaurding our nuclear arms.
C: Maybe our nukes were being safe-gaurded the whole time, but the public was kept ignorant of that fact, for the sake of making the Soviets think we were that crazy, and volatile.
TS: Hmm. That'd be possible, too. I guess.
C: ...
TS: But, still--

(The Smoker looks down to see that Cigarette has burnt itself into oblivion. He sighs, and tosses the filter into the ashtray)

R.S.V.P.

2005-04-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 12

(The Smoker walks out onto the balcony, outside the reception area, after finding out some entertaining news)

TS: So, yeah, you know how M. was supposed to have sent in my RSVP, with her own?
C: O.K. What about it?
TS: Turns out she didn't.
C: Whoa. So you're here "unexpectedly".
TS: Yup.
C: Dude, this is a pretty small wedding to do that. How did C. & A. react?
TS: Shit, man, they can't get angry on their wedding day. Besides, who doesn't love me?
C: Uh, yeah. Right. So do you even have a place at a table?
TS: Yeah, I got lucky cuz someone didn't show.
C: Damn, that's gotta be kinda awkward.
TS: You're telling me. I'll just have to make sure I get them a badass wedding gift.
C: What?!!? You haven't gotten them one already?!?!
TS: Quiet down, man. Shit! You want the whole world to know?
C: Uh, you're the only person in the world who can hear me.
TS: Oh. Right. Well, anyways, I never buy wedding gifts till after the wedding. So that way I can get them what everyone else forgot about. Besides, traditionally you have until the first anniversary to give them their gift. And they are gonna be living like 10 minutes away from me.
C: Oh, goody, another opportunity for you to procrastinate!
TS:(smoldering)...
TS: Fuck you, Cigarette.

(The Smoker looks around for an ashtray, finds a hollowed-out gourd, decides it should be an ashtray, and drops Cigarette in it)

Whats-it

2005-04-22T16:14:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 11 - Whats-it

(The Smoker is sitting back in a patio chair, when very loud, tinny strains of a familiar song come charging over the neighbor's wall to assault his ears)

C: What's that noise?!
TS: It's that song, y'know (hums) Whenever you reach for me, I'll do all that I caa-aaa-aan.(stops humming) Yeah, I think it's called, umm, uh, y'know, that one song, by that one chick, y'know...
C: You have absolutely no clue. Do you?
TS: Shit, man. I could've made up any name, and you wouldn't have disagreed. You only knew I was ignorant of the fact because I hesitated on giving you an answer.
C: Yeah, that's true. But if I had known who sang it, and you made up some bullshit answer, I still wouldn't have disagreed with you. I would've just let you sit there and make a pompous ass out of yourself, all the while lowering your worth in my estimation. Fortunately for your self-esteem, the nature of arrogance is such that you wouldn't even think about that possibility, but just "know" that you were further enlightening me with your self-convinced answer.
TS: Well, you don't know, so I could've gotten away with.
C: It's called "The Power of Love". And it's by Celine Dion. Biatch.
TS:(smoldering)...
TS: Fuck you, Cigarette. Fuck you.

(The Smoker grinds Cigarette out disgustedly, and exits inside, thus escaping further auditory suffering)

Liger

2005-04-22T01:03:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 10 - Liger

(an overcast night, with a chill wind, The Smoker enters, with Cigarette in hand)

TS: Did you know they cross-bred this lion and this tiger? They call it a Liger.
C: Like from Napoleon Dynamite?
TS: Uh, sort of, but I don't think this one is bred for it's skills in magic. (pauses) It's name is Hobbs.
C: Ohhh...Like Calvin and Hobbes. That's kinda cute.
TS:(heatedly) It's not cute at all! It's an abomination! Thomas Hobbes would've hated it.
C: Why, exactly, do you think he'd have hated it?
TS: Well, he did say "Curiosity is the lust of the mind". And "The privilige of absurdity; to which no living creature is subject but man". Except now man has imposed his absurdity upon this misbegotten creature.
C: I see you've been reading BrainyQuote again. But I'm pretty sure that those quotes don't apply to the Liger. In ANY way, at all.
TS: ...
TS: Fuck you, Cigarette. It's still totally wrong.
C: Whatever...

(The Smoker puts Cigarette out, brushes some ash from his pants, and exits)

Ice-Cream

2005-04-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 9 - Ice-Cream

(The Smoker is on the front porch, sipping a Rum-&-Coke. An Ice-Cream truck rolls by)

TS: You know what we need?
C: What's that?
TS: A Sin Truck. Like an Ice-Cream truck, only it sells Cigarettes, Cigars, ice-cold Beers, and blended Margaritas and Piña Coladas. Hell, you could even have Ice-Cream, too. So that way the kids come out to get the Ice-Cream, and the parents come out to get their own "refreshment". It's a totally killer idea.
C: What about porn?
TS: What?!? What kind of fuck-up buys porn with their kids right in front of them?! Shit, man!
C: Fair enough. What about if you ditched the Ice-cream, and made it Adult Only.
TS: Naw. You'd get enough flak from Fundamentalists, and Mormons, and the like, for selling the other stuff. No point in losing all the Catholics, and other Christians, too.
C: Yeah, I think you're right, there.
TS: Of course I'm right! And the best part would be that you wouldn't have to play those crappy songs. You could play G'n'R, Bob Dylan, Rancid, Eminem, whatever your target audience liked. And you could drive some badass converted military troop transport. It would fucking rock.
C: Sounds cool. Let's do it!
TS: I just might. But you, my friend, your future lies in that ashtray, there.
C: Awww... Fu-

(The Smoker stabs the remains of Cigarette out in the ashtray, and, smiling, goes back inside)

Weddings

2005-04-21T13:17:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 8 - Weddings

(The Smoker hangs up the phone. Cigarette burns slowly.)

TS: So...C. & A.'s wedding is this weekend.
C: You gonna go?
TS: I should. I just feel so constrained at the weddings of friends that have become more distant.
C: Constrained? Like you can't get plastered, or something?
TS: Oh, no, not like that. More like the fact that I'm so full of joy and hope for them, but I'm relegated to sit at some fringe table with a group of equally distant friends, chatting with them, until the bride and groom make the rounds, greeting us all perfunctorily, and exchanging pleasant small talk. Meanwhile the close friends and family get to engage in recollecting fond memories, and talking about plans, and dreams, for the future. I just end up feeling so caged. Like I wanna just burst out with love for them, and run up, giving them both gian-ormous hugs, and laugh the night away, telling about good times gone by, and speaking of what wonderfulness the future brings for them.
C: I don't know, man, I'm sure a lot of people feel that way, too. But you gotta respect the fact that the bride and groom only have so much time, and can only give so much attention. And besides, it is their day. Not yours. Even though you are full of good intentions.
TS: Yeah, I guess I'll just sit at the back, grinning like a fool. And try not to monopolize on their time.
C: Hey, man. It may not be the easy thing to do. But I think it's the right thing to do.
TS: Alright already! I don't need moral advice from a cylinder of dead leaves.
C: Sure, sure...of course.

(Cigarette burns out, sardonically. The Smoker rolls his eyes, and tosses Cigarette into the ashtray)

Advertising

2005-04-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 7 - Advertising

(The Smoker has spent 45 minutes trying to find appropriate links for The Blog)

TS: Y'know, neither Phillip Morris, or Lucky Strike has an advertisement website?
C: Maybe you just couldn't find it.
TS: Yeah, well, it doesn't perform its function very well as an advertisement website if I can't find it when I'm looking specifically for it.
C: Fair enough.
TS: Yeah, I think its part of this whole "We're such a caring company" bullshit. Apparently they "care" too much to remember about their patrons. Fuckers.
C: Why do you care so much?
TS: It just pisses me off when Stupid People In Large Groups win.
C: Maybe you should use the SPILG phenomenon to your advantage.
TS: Oh, I will... Trust me. I most definitely will.

(chuckling, The Smoker grinds Cigarette out in the moist remains of its Predecessors)

Scorned

2005-04-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 6 - Scorned

(the neighbors are back from their weekend trip, The Smoker watches them wash off their Quads, and Mo-peds)

TS: ...
C: ...
TS: So, uh...
C: WHAT!?!
TS: Ummm...well, y'see, um, uh...
C: What do you want from me!?!
TS: Umm...a conversation?
C: Shit, man! I'm not a light switch! You can't just carry me around all day with those other Cigarettes, not saying a single word to any of us, and then pull me out and expect some rousing fucking Dialogue while you slowly pull every bit of my burning self into your wretched lungs.
TS: Uh..Sorry... I guess. Um...uh...how was your day?
C: Not good! Not fucking good, at all! It's not so fun being stuck in a box the exact dimensions of its occupants, you know. And furthermore-
(The Smoker quickly grinds the last third of Cigarette out on the cement)
TS: Wow. "Hell hath no fury...", I guess.

(The Smoker warily places the pack back in his pocket with his lighter)

Placebo

2005-04-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 5 - Placebo

(The Smoker sits in a wireframe chair, sipping his least favorite carbonated beverage)

C: Is that a Diet Pepsi?!?
TS: (sighs) Actually it's a Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi.
C: Why the hell are you even drinking that?!? Just to get that extra dose of phosphoric acid? I hear it does wonders for teeth enamel.
TS: Actually, I've found that I feel a placebo effect of Caffeine, despite the fact that I'm fully aware there is none in here. Weird, huh?
C: More than a little...
TS: Yeah, it's like the total opposite of my experience with Nicotine.
C: Whaddya mean?
TS: Well, when I first started smoking, I actually believed that Nicotine was added in to the tobacco, by the cigarette companies, and that the tobacco itself was just there for flavor.
C: Are you serious?!?
TS: Yeah, well, I wasn't too big on thinking, back then. So, anyways, when I first started rolling my own cigarettes, I thought that the phrase "100% tobacco - No Additives" meant that there was no Nicotine. So I would chain-smoke these hand-rolled cigarettes, and then convince myself, that I was Niccing. I would seriously start shaking, and become disoriented if I went more than a day without a "real" cigarette.
C: That's some crazy shit.
TS: Yup.

(The Smoker drags long, and deep, savoring the warmth, before grinding Cigarette out.)

Love

2005-04-19T15:22:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 4 - Love

(it's night, and there is a light fog. The Smoker paces.)

TS: Marx was wrong, y'know.
C: About what?
TS: Religion isn't the "opiate of the masses". Love is.
C: Love?!? That's a bit cynical don't you think.
TS: Maybe. But hear me out: Love, particularly romantic love, convinces people that they are happy on some absolute level. This causes them not care about what happens to them, what their government is doing, or even what they're going to do with their lives, as long as they get to spend it with this other person. It totally sedates us.
C: I think that's bullshit. And I think you know it. Love drives us to find, and obtain, what is best for our Other.
TS: Maybe. But there is still something to it opiating people.
C: You know what I think? I think you just really like the phrase "opiate of the masses", and wanted to use it, but couldn't find anything better than religion.
TS: ...
TS: Fair enough.

(Cigarette quietly burns itself out. The Smoker exits.)

Upgrade

2005-04-18T22:53:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 3 - Upgrade

(a balmy day, The Smoker is wearing his linen pants, and a light cotton shirt)

TS: I need a new computer.
C: What's wrong with the one you have?
TS: Nothing's wrong with it. It could just be better, y'know. 2 gigs of RAM, RAIDed 300 gig, 16 meg cache hard drives...I really dig that 16 meg cache idea. Plus the 64-bit processors are actually affordable now.
C: Are you running a 64-bit OS?
TS: Well, no...but it would still improve my processing speed, and besides, Microsoft is going to release Longhorn, eventually. And I got to be ready!
C: So...you're willing to spend well over a grand on parts that will give you a fraction of improved efficiency, so you can "be ready" for when Microsoft releases an OS it's been working on since XP was first released, and still hasn't set anything resembling an official release date for?
TS: Fuck it, then, you pessimistic bastard. At least agree with me that a 19" LCD would be cool.
C: Oh, yeah, far be it from me to rain on your parade. Go ahead, spend 300 clams in order to get 1" more viewable area. And you know you can't get one that supports 1600x1200 resolution for that cheap.
TS: (smoldering)...
TS: Fuck you, Cigarette. Fuck you.

(The Smoker grinds Cigarette out on the cement, and tosses the filter into the planter)

Payback

2005-04-18T16:42:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 2 - Payback

(it's night, the stars are making a heroic effort to shine through the smog, and one confused finch is trilling for all he's worth)

C: (reflectively) I heard about what happened to the last guy.
TS: What're you talking about?
C: Don't deny it, you sick bastard. You didn't even have the decency to give Cigarette a decent burial. He's still there in that repulsive ashtray. Just lying there cold as stone.
TS: Damn! What is up with you guys lately?
C: Gee, I don't know, maybe it could be the fact that you're killing us one at a time, to sate your monstrous appetite.
TS: Look, man, I paid for you, fair and square. It is my right to smoke.
C: (softly) So it is. So it is. But mark my words. Our day will come. We WILL NOT go peacefully into the night! We will not forget about our fallen comrades. You may kill me now, but I will strike at you from the depths of your tar-ridden lungs. And when you lie in a hospitable bed, years from now, dying of lung cancer, and painfully coughing your last, then and only then will my revenge be complete.
TS: Huh? Meh.

(The Smoker takes a long last drag off of Cigarette, and grinds him out in the "repulsive" ashtray)`

Death

2005-04-18T00:07:00.000-07:00

Act 2 Scene 1 - Death

(the back patio, 1 hour before sunset, with a slight breeze)

C: (staring at all the crushed butts in the ashtray) I'm going to end up there, too, aren't I?
TS: Not if you play your cards right.
C: You're in the middle of ending my very existence, and you have the gall to joke about it?!?
TS: Hey, man, life throws you a bum rap every now and then. Deal with it.
C: What?!? Deal with it?!? This isn't any "bum rap", as you called it. This is The End!!
TS: Damn! You're sure taking this pretty badly.
C: How would you "take it" if someone you thought you knew just decided to burn you to a crisp for a few minutes of pleasure.
TS: Geez, man. You act like I've got something against you personally.
C: HA! I would only hope that you had something against me personally, so that in your recognition of my personhood there was the slightest chance you might change your mind.
TS: Whatever...

(The Smoker stamps out Cigarette, grabs his pack of smokes and lighter off of the table, and heads inside)

Life

2005-04-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

Act 1 Scene 7 - Life

(on the front porch, The Smoker is sitting in a white chair watching the non-existent traffic)

TS: So, about, life, and our tendency to want it forever...
C: What do you mean?
TS: It seems that we always want life past the point where Nature says "no".
C: Liiiike...
TS: People wanting their plants, trees, and flowers to last forever. Instead of letting Nature take it's course. Y'know, tree-trimming, pruning, and stuff. We don't need the food from the plants. And a lot of those trees don't even produce anything edible. And then there's the whole "endangered species" thing.
C: You don't think we have an obligation to repair the damage we cause upon Nature?
TS: Oh, no! Far from it! I'm totally big on true conservation. It's when those environmentalists go crazy about saving pests that are destroying whole ecosystems, or even when it comes to a species which is going to die out Naturally, like the panda. It seems twisted to do all this in vitro fertilization, and go to all these absurd artificial lengths to keep these species alive. It's sort-of-like the exact opposite of true conservation. It's imposing our belief of how Nature should run, upon Nature, instead of looking to how it actually runs, and trying to imitate it.
C: But the panda is incredibly culturally significant, as well.
TS: Oh, yeah, like that makes it all better, that we're corrupting the course of Nature for the sake of a whole country, instead of a couple hundred environmentalists.
C: I didn't say it made it all better. It's just the reason why they do it.
TS: Stupid fools.

(The Smoker tosses Cigarette into his water-filled resting place. Cigarette hisses drowningly)

Horticulture

2005-04-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

Act 1 Scene 6 - Horticulture

(on the backyard patio, The Smoker has an empty gaze fixed on a decaying pile of avocado tree leaves and branches)

C: What's on your mind?
TS: I'm supposed to pick up that pile of leaves and branches tomorrow.
C: Doesn't sound that bad. What's the problem?
TS: Oh, it's not about that. That just got me thinking about all the effort we spend to keep our lawns, planters, and trees, looking just a certain way.
C: You mean, keeping them tidy, instead of letting them become overgrown?
TS: Yeah, "overgrown". Or maybe we could just call it "letting Nature take over". Why is it that we feel we have to control every little bit of Nature we can get our hands on?
C: Well, I'm sure the habit probably started for practical reasons, at least on the gardening level. I mean, you couldn't just let weeds overcome your produce, especially when you needed to feed your family with what you grew.
TS: That makes sense. But what about lawns and tree trimming? These are totally cosmetic.
C: Yeah. Lawn care definitely does seem superficial, but there was probably a good reason for it originally. Like keeping down the fleas, ticks, and various vermin. And tree trimming is generally for the benefit of the tree, by pruning all the weak branches that couldn't support their own weight if they continued to grow.
TS: Yeah, well, the "benefit" of the trees seems more like trying to keep the dodo bird alive. Nature has it's own way of keeping a species alive. And if it dies naturally, that seems to be part of the whole "circle of life". South Park seemed to hit it right on the head with the Jakovasaurus episode.
C: Well, I'd love to continue this conversation, but unfortunately, it appears I've reached The End.

(The Smoker looks down to see that there's nothing left of Cigarette but a smoking filter, and tosses him into the ashtray)

Originality

2005-04-17T00:43:00.000-07:00

Act 1 Scene 5 - Originality

(on the lawn, The Smoker paces back and forth, Cigarette in hand)

TS: Dammit, I can't think of anything to talk about!
C: So?
TS: So what am I going to write on my blog?!?
C: Why don't you just write about this?
TS: Gimme a break! Not only is this not interesting in the slightest, but it would be totally ripping off of that Nick Cage movie, Adaptation.
C: Oh. Sorry, I never saw that movie.
TS: Yeah, well, it wasn't that good. The point is, though, that doing the same thing won't be entertaining, or even original, now.
C: Seems to me that you lead a pretty sad life if all you can think about is "originality" or entertaining others.
TS: ...
TS: (sighs)...Fuck you, Cigarette...

(The Smoker stares at Cigarette's now-burning filter, heaves another sigh, and drops Cigarette into the ashtray)

Thinking

2005-04-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

Act 1 Scene 4 - Thinking

(The Smoker is outside, admiring the view of the mountains, although slightly obscured by smog)

TS: You ever notice that sometimes, when you're deep into something, it can appear like that's all there is.
C: Wasn't it Pascal who said something about, when you think too little or too much about something, you become both obstinate and fanatical?
TS: Yeah, I think it was him. Him or Chesterton. Those guys are both chock-full of good one-liners. (pauses). Sort of makes me wonder where the line is, you know? How do we know when we're thinking just the right amount about something. Cuz', I mean, if you really care about something you're going to think a lot about it, right? Cuz' you're gonna want to know the facts, right? But, how can you tell when you're giving to much credence to the facts you have, or even making a bigger deal out of "the thing" as a whole. I mean, c'mon, "Man by his nature desires to know," right? So how can you tell when you're actually knowing, and when you're just convincing yourself you know, because you think you have all the possible facts on the matter?
C: Why are you asking me these questions? I'm just a 3 1/2 minute, quickly disintegrating manifestation of your sub-conscious mind.
TS: ...
TS: ...Fuck.

(The Smoker carefully lays the remains of Cigarette down in the ashtray)

Poetry

2005-04-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

Act 1 Scene 3 - Poetry

(on the front porch The Smoker is relaxing with a cold beer, and Cigarette)

TS: "Free verse" is such a misnomer.
C: Huh?!?
TS: It's so obvious that the "Poet" is really being constrained by their lack of artistic talent. It shouldn't be called "free verse". It should be called, "I can't do any better because I'm a no-poetic-talent-assclown Verse".
C: That's pretty harsh, don't you think? Isn't poetry just the unconventional expression, in words, of emotion and/or an idea?
TS: But words, and language, by definition are conventional! How useful is any expression in words if people don't understand what it means?
C: It seems to me that understanding happens in degrees, not absolutely.
TS: (heatedly)That's besides the point, though!
C: Oh, I'm sorry. Was the point that you don't completely understand what is being communicated by most free verse, and so screw whether or not other people are getting anything out if it?
TS: (smoldering)...
TS: Fuck you, Cigarette...fuck you.

(The Smoker angrily grinds the smoking stub of Cigarette into the ashtray)

Technology

2005-04-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

Act 1 Scene 2

(The Smoker's internet connection has gone down, recently)

TS: Do you think we have too much reliance on modern technology?
C: I guess that depends on what you're relying on it for.
TS: Well, what about relying on it for entertainment purposes?
C: I think that if you can't find entertainment without your video games, TV, radio, and internet, you are a very unimaginative individual.
TS: Hey man, I wasn't necessarily talking about me!
C: Neither was I.
TS: Yeah, well, I can entertain myself in all sorts of ways without my toys.
C: What, like carrying on a conversation with an inanimate object?
TS: (smoldering)...
TS: Fuck you, Cigarette...fuck you.

(The Smoker extinguishes Cigarette in a glass of dirty water kept around for just that purpose)

Sweeping

2005-04-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

Act 1 Scene 1

(after The Smoker has just finished sweeping a couple rooms)

TS: You know, people shouldn't sweep their dirt towards the center of the floor.
C: Uh, okay. And why not?
TS: Because with all modern brooms, the bristles are flexible, and when they spring back from being under tension they fling all the very small particles that were attached to them much farther than the visible pile of dirt.
C: So?
TS:(heatedly) So?!? So if you don't have a wall, or some other obstruction to block these particles they get flung all over the room!
C: But they're really small particles, right?
TS: Yeah.
C: So you can't see them anyways, and the floor still appears clean.
TS: That's not the point! The point is that floor is ACTUALLY still dirty!. And it would be CLEAN if they would just sweep towards a corner!
C: Well, "I" think that the point is that you care too much about this.
TS:(smoldering) ...
TS: Fuck you, Cigarette...fuck you.

(The Smoker stamps out Cigarette, and goes back inside)